A little accident…

Just a quick note to say that I had a little accident this afternoon… my last orgasm was Saturday, thanks to SexyWife’s ministrations. This afternoon I happened to notice a pair of her panties on the bathroom floor and decided to hand wash them for her. Picking them up, I almost automatically brought them to my face in order to smell them. Yes, I know, that’s pretty adolescent of me.

Well anyway, as soon as I smelled them, I caught her wonderful aroma and began to instantly get hard as a rock. Before I knew it I was inhaling deeply all over the panties and rubbing myself through my shorts. Within a matter of a few breaths I suddenly felt that point of no return towards an orgasm and thought to myself, “Oh shit!” I immediately froze and put the panties down, trying to calm down. Nevertheless, I felt a single spurt.

I opened my shorts to see that in fact a drop of come was on the inside of my underwear. Before even thinking, still in “oh shit” mode, I took the drop on my finger and licked it clean. I surprised myself by that act because I’ve tried to bring myself to taste my own come after an orgasm and am so thoroughly disgusted that I always chicken out. This time, however, it actually tasted quite yummy. So I milked my cock and got another drop out, and ate it too.

My cock stayed hard, but my need to orgasm had subsided. I still was totally embarrassed by what had happened, and resolved to tell SexyWife as soon as I saw her tonight. I’m sure she won’t be pleased, and probably rather a turn-off to her to think about me sniffing her underwear and masturbating uncontrollably as a result. I frankly am surprised and embarrassed myself, by every aspect of this accident: the sniffing, the masturbation, the partial avoided orgasm, and tasting and actually enjoying the taste of my own come.
Update: I couldn’t confess to SexyWife tonight because our schedules didn’t sync up. Tomorrow, for sure. I’m both embarrassed and turned on at the same time.

Communication

The other night we had a good talk. It was day 12 for me without an orgasm and I had been somewhat cranky for the past two days. I did some research (if that’s what you call surfing various blogs and forums on the subject of male chastity and orgasm denial) and found that grumpiness is a common occurrence during prolonged chastity.

I decided to apologize to SexyWife for being grumpy and pissy and told her it was probably related to my prolonged denial, and that I had been doing research and learned a few things I wanted to share with her. That night she was a bit tired but open to talking, so I took the opportunity to open up a bit.

Firstly I explained that grumpiness was normal and that there were two primary ways of dealing with it. One, she could provide some sort of release before the grumpiness sets in. And two, she could exhibit more dominant or assertive behavior intended to nurture or enhance my submissive state. Basically, put me in my place, to redirect the grumpiness into proper submissiveness.

I think we had an important discussion then, because she was able to communicate to me that she wasn’t comfortable with overtly dominant treatment towards me. She finds it disrespectful and would prefer to honor me the way I honor her.

I explained that in my mind, we are undertaking this change in our relationship in order to generate a certain mental state in me where I can worship her and embrace and enhance her dominance and assertiveness, which is something we both agree that we want to do, and something which I also happen to be quite turned on by. I said that little demonstrations of her dominance over me were all that were necessary: a little grope or slap now and then, a certain phrase, a chore to do, or whatever.

She said she didn’t quite understand why or how that worked, but she heard me say it was something I was asking for. Judging from two days since then, she has definitely been trying, and I think she is getting into it.

The Law, Chapter One

“Well, shit, the President signed it,” Peter said, closing the front door behind him. “Unbelievable. I knew she was a bitch.”

His wife Pam was standing in the front room sorting through mail, and the TV was on in the background.

“When does it take effect?” she asked.

“Immediately. Can you believe it, honey?” he answered.

“Wow,” she said. “This changes everything. I wonder if the courts will block it?”

“Who knows? I hope so. I just can’t believe it got through Congress. We’ve been fighting this for a year! Now what are we going to do?” he asked.

“I know sweetheart, I know. Come here,” she answered, opening her arms to embrace him. The TV was still on in the background, with breaking news covering the President’s signature on the landmark bill — or law, now — that she and her husband Peter had been fighting through their lobbying efforts for over a year.

Or rather, that he had been fighting, and that she had been pretending to fight.

* * *

The Male Responsibility Act, or MRA as it was called, completely redefined the role of men in American society. It was unbelievably wide in its scope: covering civil, criminal, and business code. It was the result of contentious negotiation and politicking in Congress over the past year, after having been introduced by freshman Congresswoman Molasky immediately after she was elected. Prior to her congressional campaign, Molasky had been an attorney representing women in various sex discrimination cases. In an apparently unrelated incident, she was brutally raped by guards while in routine administrative custody during an investigation into her finances, after being selected during a random screen for a preemptive investigation into terrorist financing. She was ultimately cleared of any suspicion and released, but her attackers were never identified.

She was elected on a rising tide of public opinion generally holding men responsible for the aggressive and violent state of the world in which we lived in 2012. Recent brain research had found that many facets of aggressive and violent behavior could be traced to the male sex drive. More importantly, research had also shown that even without the use of medication, very simple behavioral therapy could make a tremendous impact on male behavior, virtually eliminating aggression.

Paradoxically, rather than releasing repression through sexual liberation, the key therapy turned out to be controlling the male orgasm. Specifically, if a male understood that his ability to orgasm was under the control of another person, his brain chemistry turned his attention to being compliant and docile to that person’s wishes. If the controlling person was a woman, the results were exemplary: a strong yet compliant male, catering to and deferring to the wishes of the woman.

For women, this type of relationship was obviously empowering. Research had clearly shown that women were better decision-makers at the global level. While males were quite good at problem-solving, women were particularly adept at maintaining harmonious relationships. In the world of 2012, this was sorely needed.

Sexual Power for Women

Sexual Power for Women. This is a great book. Long, though. I even learned something I didn’t already know about the male orgasm. Too bad I can’t try it out right now, since I’m not allowed to cum without SexyWife, and she’s asleep.

Appropriate Pornography

This morning I’m thinking about appropriate pornography. Since SexyWife hasn’t forbidden me from viewing porn or reading erotica, I’m wondering if I should self-censor what I expose my animal brain to. The challenge comes from the fact that I am sexually more of a switch than a submissive. Depending on the situation, I can get quite turned on by a woman submitting to a man. But what does it say about my commitment to SexyWife if my sexual fantasies revolve around the opposite situation?

So obviously, if I’m going to watch porn or read erotica, I should focus on the fantasies that feed my submissive side. As much as I’m a fan of anal sex, for instance, I should probably stop downloading videos of ass pounding, or ass to mouth, or other equally “degrading” acts.

Or, if I can somehow reprogram my brain to see those as cuckolding fantasies, maybe it’s ok.

Or, if I really want to see an ass being fucked, I should look for strap-on play, or gay sex for that matter. I’ve watched both in the past, but neither really does it for me.

One of my all-time favorite female domination erotica sites is Ulysses Stories. It’s sort of a guilty pleasure of mine, because his collection isn’t just run of the mill femdom erotica. Many of the stories are violent and extreme, and would be quite a turn-off if I wasn’t reading them in an already turned-on state. But it hasn’t been updated in years, it seems.

Another site which I haven’t checked out recently, but looks quite good, is Amityworld.

So given we’re in a relationship that hasn’t banned porn, is there such a thing as “appropriate pornography”?

Not today

SexyWife decided not to let me cum today, which makes a week since I’ve had an orgasm. She also got her period this afternoon. So she said I would have to hold it for another week.

Luckily I got a chance to bring her to orgasm with my mouth again, just before her period. After she came, she had me put on a condom so I could fuck her. I think she was planning on letting me cum, but she hadn’t decided for sure. She asked my opinion, and since I’ve really been enjoying my mental state, completely devoted to her this past week, I told her honestly that I didn’t really need to cum right away. So she only let me have a few strokes inside of her to make sure I wouldn’t get too close. I have no idea how long I can actually last after not having cum for a week.

Now we’ll have to see how the next week ahead plays out…

Female Led Relationships

So call me naive, but I’ve just run across this term, female-led relationships, for the first time surfing the web for information on orgasm denial. At first glance it seems pretty much what I proposed to SexyWife. But it seems to have a bit more of a “anything I say, goes” sort of flavor, which isn’t quite what SexyWife and I are up to.

I totally understand the allure of an uncompromising female dominant relationship. That’s basically what my sexual fantasies tend to be about. But translating that sexual fantasy into a real-life, day-in-and-day-out relationship leaves a bit to be desired.

For one thing, I’m pretty sure SexyWife married a man, not a robot. She wants a partner in her marriage, not a houseboy. (OK, maybe she wants a houseboy now and then, but that might be one of her sexual fantasies, as opposed to a relationship expectation.) She wants a partner, but she wants to have the last word if there’s a disagreement. And she wants to be trusted and empowered to use her judgment.

I trust her to use her judgment to take my point of view into account on anything that she decides. That point of view seems slightly at odds with my cursory glance into this Female Led Relationship thing.

At the same time, we’re also practicing Orgasm Denial, where basically SexyWife decides when I get to cum. And I’ve made it very clear to her that I enjoy being sexually frustrated more than I enjoy the moment of orgasm or sexual release. We’ve only been at this for a couple of days, but last night I got to eat her pussy again and she brought herself to orgasm against my face (which I must say is my most favorite thing right now), and I was near cumming the whole time, but never came.

Afterwards, she let me rub against her thigh a bit, so I could rub my cock and balls against her, which helped relieve some of the tension in my balls. Then we fell asleep with me spooning her. I can’t remember the last time we fell asleep on the same side of the bed. This was great.

I didn’t cum, and I didn’t want to.

First post

I’m up at 4:45 am, and finally decided to get up at 5:30. Down in the kitchen getting some coffee, and it’s still pitch black outside. Everybody is still asleep. So it’s a good time to get this blog started.

On Tuesday I sat down and wrote a long email to SexyWife. We’d been having a little bit of tension in our relationship over the past year or so, but neither of us was making much progress on addressing the underlying issues. It’s always a bit risky to start a conversation by email, as opposed to face to face, but the issues were complex enough that I thought it would be difficult to put everything out there in person, all at once.

The discussion we had afterwards went very well.

I’ve decided to keep a diary about our relationship. Since WordPress lets you change the back-date postings, I think I may write a few notes going back to Tuesday, as if I had written them at the time.

First I want to make sure this blog is marked Mature, because I intend to address explicit subjects.

Writing the email

Today I finally sat down and wrote SexyWife an email. I’m not sure exactly why I was inspired to finally write, but I know I had been reflecting on our relationship and some of the tension and blow-ups that we had recently. We’ve been together for a long time (nearly twenty years), and we were clearly having some tension around how our lives were evolving, personally and professionally, with underlying issues that neither of us was addressing head on.

Plus, we both were turning forty this year, so there was a lot going on.

I was pretty nervous putting my thoughts down on paper. I tried to directly address the changing power dynamic in our relationship. My breakthrough, if you can call it that, was recognizing that the sexual part of our relationship couldn’t be separated from the non-sexual part. Now, given my history of fantasizing about power relationships, dominance and submission, and female domination in particular, this was either a brilliant breakthrough or a very convenient self-serving rationalization.

It turns out that there are advocates of female domination (or “femdom”) that encourage exactly the same type of thing I was contemplating: a 24/7 lifestyle where the wife is in charge. This is different that the popular fantasy of a dominatrix with whips and chains, because there is a day-to-day domestic relationship and reality to be dealt with.

In fact, one of my earliest influences was the DOMestic mailing list, managed by a loving femdom couple, Ms Christine and David. Although I haven’t read their list in many years, what they revealed about their relationship has always inspired me. They are caring and loving towards one another, but the power dynamic is definitely tilted in such a way that she is completely in charge, in every respect.

So with that, I wrote the email. My intention was to ask SexyWife if she would be willing to take charge of our domestic relationship. By “domestic,” I mean everything that has to do with our relationship at home: from the mundane to the critically important. And, of course, including our sex life.

“You Decide”

I called this proposal “You Decide.” Meaning, when in doubt, SexyWife would get to decide. No more negotiation or jockeying for position, or deferring decisions because we could feel we weren’t on the same page. I wanted her to take charge.

By “take charge,” I meant in a collaborative manner: I was pretty sure she didn’t want to suddenly take responsibility for making every decision in a vacuum, as if I wasn’t there. Nor would I think that was a good idea. But the idea was that I would provide my opinion and point of view, and that she would use her judgement to make the final decision. Even though our judgment is not always aligned, I trust her judgment and want to be fully supportive.

Basically this is how we’ve mostly operated, anyway: I tend to almost always defer to her judgment at home. So I was formalizing this in a way that embraced her assertiveness, and communicated to her that I wasn’t grudgingly deferring to her, but lovingly deferring.