Sex drive and her availability

August 29, 2007

I’ve noticed that mentally my sex drive seems to turn off if I feel like SexyWife isn’t available to me sexually. Recently this has been the case because she has been ill and very fatigued. Instead of making me more frustrated because she’s not sexually available to me, it’s having the opposite effect: my sex drive and therefore my positive reinforcement to keep serving her is diminishing.

This would not seem to be an optimal aspect of a female led relationship.

22 days

August 29, 2007

Just a quick note to say, anticlimactically, that SexyWife decided to have me release inside her last Friday, after 22 days. As I already mentioned, it was an unusual period of time because of our travel and her illness.

She is definitely feeling better. I think she decided that I had gone on long enough without ejaculation. She woke me up in the morning and basically put a condom on me and started riding me, until we both came. I know, not a very sexy description, sorry. My orgasm was a sort of anti-climax. I would have expected a stronger orgasm after so long, or more ejaculate, but it was a bit of a let down. Probably because we didn’t do much teasing and my sex drive was a bit depressed.

Take care of yourself

August 22, 2007

Those were the words she used. Or rather, “you should take care of yourself.”

SexyWife has been rather ill for the past few weeks, and we’ve both been worried it could be some tropical disease. We are winding our way through the brilliant American medical system but still have no clear diagnosis. She has been incredibly fatigued as well. Clearly we’re not thinking about sex. Or rather, she’s not.

It’s been almost three weeks since my last orgasm and release. I think I’m experiencing that thing about a reduced sex drive — the body adjusts because it isn’t being aroused. However, I’m still devoted to SexyWife, and of course her illness makes me even more inclined to take care of her, with no expectation of something in return.

It’s interesting: during our previous so-called attempts at a female dominant relationship, I would have taken her words very badly. The worse thing you can do for a submissive is to say, “hey, I don’t really care about this game, go and do what you want.” But this time, I have a different mindset: I know that we are practicing Orgasm Denial in part because of the chemical and psychological effect it has on me, which makes me more focused on SexyWife. And this is something we both agree that we want.

Contrary to what I’ve read in other male submissive blogs, I’m not doing this for her — it’s not a “gift” I’m giving. Rather, it’s something I’m doing (refraining from release) for our relationship. That’s not to say that our relationship would suffer if we didn’t practice denial. But the tease and denial definitely enhances it.

So, back to the point at hand: when SexyWife is sick, we lose the “tease” part, but still have the “denial” part. If she then tells me: “ok, forget the denial, go and take care of yourself,” it sort of devalues the prior three weeks of mental and physical effort to avoid release. I know she is concerned about me, but if she had said something like “go and have a wank in the corner while I watch,” it would have been much better. But we both know she is not in a “top” mood, nor would I expect her to be given her illness.

The past week or so, since I noticed a drop in my sex drive, I’ve been watching porn daily, just to make sure the equipment still works. And yes, the erections come quick. But I haven’t had the urge to orgasm, interestingly.

So I’m not going to take care of myself. I told SexyWife I would wait for her to get better. She said that wasn’t a good idea, but she didn’t insist. If she brings it up again — or maybe if I start to get very frustrated — I will suggest a self-administered prostate massage. That’s something I’ve done once before with limited success and am interested in trying again.

Two weeks

August 18, 2007

Two weeks and counting since my last orgasm, as of Thursday. Not much teasing during that time so not unbearable. But I think a personal dry record.

A little accident…

July 31, 2007

Just a quick note to say that I had a little accident this afternoon… my last orgasm was Saturday, thanks to SexyWife’s ministrations. This afternoon I happened to notice a pair of her panties on the bathroom floor and decided to hand wash them for her. Picking them up, I almost automatically brought them to my face in order to smell them. Yes, I know, that’s pretty adolescent of me.

Well anyway, as soon as I smelled them, I caught her wonderful aroma and began to instantly get hard as a rock. Before I knew it I was inhaling deeply all over the panties and rubbing myself through my shorts. Within a matter of a few breaths I suddenly felt that point of no return towards an orgasm and thought to myself, “Oh shit!” I immediately froze and put the panties down, trying to calm down. Nevertheless, I felt a single spurt.

I opened my shorts to see that in fact a drop of come was on the inside of my underwear. Before even thinking, still in “oh shit” mode, I took the drop on my finger and licked it clean. I surprised myself by that act because I’ve tried to bring myself to taste my own come after an orgasm and am so thoroughly disgusted that I always chicken out. This time, however, it actually tasted quite yummy. So I milked my cock and got another drop out, and ate it too.

My cock stayed hard, but my need to orgasm had subsided. I still was totally embarrassed by what had happened, and resolved to tell SexyWife as soon as I saw her tonight. I’m sure she won’t be pleased, and probably rather a turn-off to her to think about me sniffing her underwear and masturbating uncontrollably as a result. I frankly am surprised and embarrassed myself, by every aspect of this accident: the sniffing, the masturbation, the partial avoided orgasm, and tasting and actually enjoying the taste of my own come.
Update: I couldn’t confess to SexyWife tonight because our schedules didn’t sync up. Tomorrow, for sure. I’m both embarrassed and turned on at the same time.


July 29, 2007

The other night we had a good talk. It was day 12 for me without an orgasm and I had been somewhat cranky for the past two days. I did some research (if that’s what you call surfing various blogs and forums on the subject of male chastity and orgasm denial) and found that grumpiness is a common occurrence during prolonged chastity.

I decided to apologize to SexyWife for being grumpy and pissy and told her it was probably related to my prolonged denial, and that I had been doing research and learned a few things I wanted to share with her. That night she was a bit tired but open to talking, so I took the opportunity to open up a bit.

Firstly I explained that grumpiness was normal and that there were two primary ways of dealing with it. One, she could provide some sort of release before the grumpiness sets in. And two, she could exhibit more dominant or assertive behavior intended to nurture or enhance my submissive state. Basically, put me in my place, to redirect the grumpiness into proper submissiveness.

I think we had an important discussion then, because she was able to communicate to me that she wasn’t comfortable with overtly dominant treatment towards me. She finds it disrespectful and would prefer to honor me the way I honor her.

I explained that in my mind, we are undertaking this change in our relationship in order to generate a certain mental state in me where I can worship her and embrace and enhance her dominance and assertiveness, which is something we both agree that we want to do, and something which I also happen to be quite turned on by. I said that little demonstrations of her dominance over me were all that were necessary: a little grope or slap now and then, a certain phrase, a chore to do, or whatever.

She said she didn’t quite understand why or how that worked, but she heard me say it was something I was asking for. Judging from two days since then, she has definitely been trying, and I think she is getting into it.

The Law, Chapter One

July 25, 2007

“Well, shit, the President signed it,” Peter said, closing the front door behind him. “Unbelievable. I knew she was a bitch.”

His wife Pam was standing in the front room sorting through mail, and the TV was on in the background.

“When does it take effect?” she asked.

“Immediately. Can you believe it, honey?” he answered.

“Wow,” she said. “This changes everything. I wonder if the courts will block it?”

“Who knows? I hope so. I just can’t believe it got through Congress. We’ve been fighting this for a year! Now what are we going to do?” he asked.

“I know sweetheart, I know. Come here,” she answered, opening her arms to embrace him. The TV was still on in the background, with breaking news covering the President’s signature on the landmark bill — or law, now — that she and her husband Peter had been fighting through their lobbying efforts for over a year.

Or rather, that he had been fighting, and that she had been pretending to fight.

* * *

The Male Responsibility Act, or MRA as it was called, completely redefined the role of men in American society. It was unbelievably wide in its scope: covering civil, criminal, and business code. It was the result of contentious negotiation and politicking in Congress over the past year, after having been introduced by freshman Congresswoman Molasky immediately after she was elected. Prior to her congressional campaign, Molasky had been an attorney representing women in various sex discrimination cases. In an apparently unrelated incident, she was brutally raped by guards while in routine administrative custody during an investigation into her finances, after being selected during a random screen for a preemptive investigation into terrorist financing. She was ultimately cleared of any suspicion and released, but her attackers were never identified.

She was elected on a rising tide of public opinion generally holding men responsible for the aggressive and violent state of the world in which we lived in 2012. Recent brain research had found that many facets of aggressive and violent behavior could be traced to the male sex drive. More importantly, research had also shown that even without the use of medication, very simple behavioral therapy could make a tremendous impact on male behavior, virtually eliminating aggression.

Paradoxically, rather than releasing repression through sexual liberation, the key therapy turned out to be controlling the male orgasm. Specifically, if a male understood that his ability to orgasm was under the control of another person, his brain chemistry turned his attention to being compliant and docile to that person’s wishes. If the controlling person was a woman, the results were exemplary: a strong yet compliant male, catering to and deferring to the wishes of the woman.

For women, this type of relationship was obviously empowering. Research had clearly shown that women were better decision-makers at the global level. While males were quite good at problem-solving, women were particularly adept at maintaining harmonious relationships. In the world of 2012, this was sorely needed.

Sexual Power for Women

July 25, 2007

Sexual Power for Women. This is a great book. Long, though. I even learned something I didn’t already know about the male orgasm. Too bad I can’t try it out right now, since I’m not allowed to cum without SexyWife, and she’s asleep.

Appropriate Pornography

July 25, 2007

This morning I’m thinking about appropriate pornography. Since SexyWife hasn’t forbidden me from viewing porn or reading erotica, I’m wondering if I should self-censor what I expose my animal brain to. The challenge comes from the fact that I am sexually more of a switch than a submissive. Depending on the situation, I can get quite turned on by a woman submitting to a man. But what does it say about my commitment to SexyWife if my sexual fantasies revolve around the opposite situation?

So obviously, if I’m going to watch porn or read erotica, I should focus on the fantasies that feed my submissive side. As much as I’m a fan of anal sex, for instance, I should probably stop downloading videos of ass pounding, or ass to mouth, or other equally “degrading” acts.

Or, if I can somehow reprogram my brain to see those as cuckolding fantasies, maybe it’s ok.

Or, if I really want to see an ass being fucked, I should look for strap-on play, or gay sex for that matter. I’ve watched both in the past, but neither really does it for me.

One of my all-time favorite female domination erotica sites is Ulysses Stories. It’s sort of a guilty pleasure of mine, because his collection isn’t just run of the mill femdom erotica. Many of the stories are violent and extreme, and would be quite a turn-off if I wasn’t reading them in an already turned-on state. But it hasn’t been updated in years, it seems.

Another site which I haven’t checked out recently, but looks quite good, is Amityworld.

So given we’re in a relationship that hasn’t banned porn, is there such a thing as “appropriate pornography”?

Not today

July 22, 2007

SexyWife decided not to let me cum today, which makes a week since I’ve had an orgasm. She also got her period this afternoon. So she said I would have to hold it for another week.

Luckily I got a chance to bring her to orgasm with my mouth again, just before her period. After she came, she had me put on a condom so I could fuck her. I think she was planning on letting me cum, but she hadn’t decided for sure. She asked my opinion, and since I’ve really been enjoying my mental state, completely devoted to her this past week, I told her honestly that I didn’t really need to cum right away. So she only let me have a few strokes inside of her to make sure I wouldn’t get too close. I have no idea how long I can actually last after not having cum for a week.

Now we’ll have to see how the next week ahead plays out…